Today I returned home from visiting with Adam, my son. He moved to South Carolina with his girlfriend to start a new job last year. He moved in June, Mike died in August. It was hard being without my two men. I had a wonderful time visiting with him for one evening and one day. He showed me around his favorite places and we went for a boat ride to look at the dolphins off of Hilton Head Island. For the majority of Adam's life I have been living paycheck to paycheck. He is very accustomed to doing without at Mom's house. We did a lot of free things, like metro parks. He complained a bit as he got older when I still wanted him to walk with me and he wanted to .... just not walk with me. So, as he is driving around the island, guess what he wanted to show me?..... the park that he goes to all the time! It made me smile from the inside out. Of course, this park had alligators. He pointed a couple out to me. One of them he thought looked like it was dead so he said that he was going to go a little closer and check.... to which I replied.. "Adam Richard Francis, don't you F...... dare!". He turned around, looked at me and said "well, I didn't miss that". LOL
After taking that 11 hour drive it also occurred to me that Adam has taken that same drive a couple of times now to be with his family. While Mike was in the hospital for that last week, I had been posting updates on Facebook. During that time I posted very little about what I was feeling. But one of my posts I did and Adam read it. It was after Mike's cardiac arrest and it was the first and the last time that I had ever been with him in the hospital when he wasn't conscious at all. I felt an extreme loneliness with his absence. I posted something like "I've never been so lonely with Mike". Adam read my post and after his shower, he told his girlfriend "I need to be with Mom, do you want to come with me?". My son, my wonderfully loving and caring and sensitive boy drove that 11 hour drive because he heard my despair.
I know he also wanted to say goodbye to Mike. The two of them took to each other like I had hoped. I mentioned that our relationship was not well received by his family, well, mine wasn't all that involved either. I don't think Adam was still living here when Mike first moved in, but he was here often. One time Adam messaged me and asked me to buy him alcohol, when I told him no because he wasn't old enough to drink, he said "just ask Mike'. So the two of them sat in Mike's room explaining to me how it was legal for Adam to drink in my house with me present..... I bought the alcohol. Adam hung out back in Mike's room more than anyone else who wasn't on the payroll. See, for Adam, being around someone paralyzed and vent dependent and slow to speech was no big deal.
Adam was raised seeing firsthand how his sisters had been treated by others. Most of that had been positive experiences, but he also saw how people would avoid them. He didn't want to be like them. Adam went to Easter Seals preschool with his sisters. He was part of the peer group there. He met all kinds of children who weren't typical. He has had a very unique life in that he has seen and learned early on that you make the most out of whatever ability you have and you don't focus on what you can't do. He has learned to accept people where they are and as they are. That's how it was for him with Mike too and Mike loved him for it.
Adam prefers not to be hands on with the care of his sisters, or probably anyone. He knows a lot of what it takes but he doesn't like the responsibility. When he was younger I taught him his numbers and a lot of basic math by having him prepare syringes with his sisters meds. They get all their medication and food through a tube inserted into a surgically made hole into their stomachs (g-tube). To this day if Adam were to give them their medication I bet you would hear him say to himself "now clamp your line"....
There have been a couple times in his life when he had to help me. I hated asking him because I knew he would feel responsible, but it couldn't always be avoided. Taylor had her surgery for her trach the day before Thanksgiving. On Christmas day it was just me with my girls (nurses in homecare often give themselves the day off for holidays) and Taylor was having a lot of difficulty with her vent. She was still getting used to it and as Mike explained to me, it feels different to have the breath given to you without your spontaneous control. Taylor was still taking her own breath, but the vent was providing support too. Taylor need to be taken off of her ventilator because she was having trouble clearing out her airway and coordinating her breathing. The fastest way to maintain an airway is to use an ambu bag ( that thing you see them squeeze during CPR) and alternate that support with suctioning..... very difficult to do with one person. I knew Adam was to come over some time that day but I didn't know when. Right when I had picked up the phone to call for a squad (which meant sending her into the hospital without me since I wouldn't have had a nurse for Mackenzie), Adam walks in. To me it was like a miracle.... to him, he was scared shitless. I quickly explained what I needed him to do and that there was NO WAY he could do it wrong. I told him that I take 100% responsibility for what needed to be done and how I just needed an extra set of hands. Together we were able to get her stable and the squad was not necessary. When we got her stable and I told him he could stop using the ambu bag because I was going to try to put her back on her vent, we both just stared at her hoping she was going to be ok. When he saw that she was ok he said "Mom, I was scared to death". Teaching moment..... "Me too, babe. But look what we did, we knew what was best for Taylor and we did it. If we weren't scared there is probably something wrong with us. Thanks for helping me save the life of your sister."
I've always included Adam in any teaching that needed to be done for his sisters. Even Taylor's trach tube change, I took him out of school for the day so that he could participate with the training with the nurse educator at the hospital. Actually, I took him out of school to run the annual community yard sales too. Sometimes life lessons trump classroom. And when it came to hiring or firing nurses, there wasn't any opinion I trusted more than his. I have fired nurses before just from Adam saying "Mom, something doesn't feel right". We were a team, we are a team. There isn't anyone else I trust more.
I know that moving to South Carolina has been great for Adam and I am very happy for him. But I know too that his misses his sisters ..... probably even more than me. :)
Getting used to our house without Mike and without Adam at pretty much the same time really sucks, but I know that Mike would be as proud of Adam as I am.
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