While Mike was still living in the nursing home and we were spending time together getting to know each other, one of the ways we learned about each other was through music. He learned that I will sing to pretty much anything he is playing whether I know the words or not and I learned that he has a lot of music stored that didn't have lyrics. ;) I meant that to sound funny. Truth is, he loved to hear me sing. Not that my voice is spectacular, but he loved this behavior of mine because it was me showing him who I was. I grew up hearing a LOT of gospel hymns. I know the words to a LOT of gospel hymns. Another favorite memory of mine was one evening I was sitting beside him doing homework and he was trying to get my attention. We would talk off and on but I kept telling him that I really needed to study. He found a station of music that had all these old southern gospel songs and started playing them. I couldn't resist..... I'm still trying to study but I kept singing along. Eventually he would wait until I started singing along and then change it to something else and wait until I started singing along to that one and then change it again. It took me awhile to catch on to what he was doing.... he was playing Name That Tune with me. Eventually I put my books aside and said "ok, bring it on". We spent the rest of the evening seeing how many songs I could sing along to. He always knew how to get my attention.
The last year of Mike's life was extremely challenging for us as a couple. I was providing most of his care and it was getting harder and harder for me to maintain any kind of life outside of his immediate needs. Gone were the days when he would encourage me to go out and do all these things and come back and tell him all about it. He wanted me with him. Things are always easier to see after the fact..... I see this now. I didn't see it then.
But back to the nursing home days of our relationship, he loved watching me put my makeup on and my high heeled shoes and go out. He would watch me intently and I would pretend I didn't know he was. That continued once we were home. He suggested things for me to do... ballet... different places to eat.... horseback riding..... It was fun to try things I wouldn't have thought to do on my own. Even though I was doing these things by myself, he was always there with me with my pictures. Every picture I posted on Facebook were me showing him my life outside of our home. Once the nursing became such a problem it was harder and harder for me to want to do these things. When a nurse came on I wanted to just curl up and sleep. Mike still wanted me to go out and do things. While I was out dancing, I met a guy who could see that I was often withdrawn and almost sad. He went out of his way to get me to talk to him and dance with him. Eventually we became friends and I kind of hid behind him. I mean this literally and figuratively. He was huge, when we would go out to dinners I could disappear. He would do all of the talking. I never had to say what I wanted or answer how my food was.... he took care of me. It was a comfort to me to have that kind of a companion. He turned out to be an asshole.... but for what I needed at the time, he helped me still maintain a life outside of my home.
There was another man I met at a festival. He is a singer and songwriter. We met at a washboard festival..... that Mike encouraged me to go to..... and from there we became Facebook friends. It wasn't anything more than hitting the occasional like on each others posts until about a year later when he messaged me and asked if his band could come to our house that year while they were in town for the same festival that I had previously met them. He had seen my posts and he knew that it would be hard for Mike and my girls to experience going out to hear live music and he wanted to bring it to them. It isn't just him, the entire band was so incredibly kind and generous. They did come to the house and we all loved it. We still watch the recordings. The last hospitalization for Mike I was listening to my music on my phone on shuffle. One of the songs from my friends group, Steel City Rovers, came up. It brought my friend to mind, his name is Ryan. My brother's name is Ryan so this Ryan became "Singer Ryan". I'll just call him Ryan here. I messaged him and told him of my struggle with my current situation and I asked him if he could be someone I could reach out to. He kept himself available to me pretty much around the clock. I would find out later that he sometimes was answering my messages during short breaks between sets on stage or when he was out with his friends or his girlfriend. He played a huge role in my sanity..... he still does.
After Mike died I received messages from a lot of his friends. Most I had never met but they had seen my Facebook posts and wanted to reach out to me. You've all had that, right? Right after major loss a lot of people reach out for support.... but then when it dies down and the loss sets in you feel lonely again? It was during that lull when one of Mike's good friends from law school messaged me and simply said that he was thinking of me and thinking of how different my life must be now that Mike was gone. I answered him back politely, just letting him know that I was happy to hear from Mike's friends and that I was doing ok. Then for some reason... totally out of character for me.... I admitted that I gave him the polite and easy answer. He responded with saying that he was hoping for the real one, the messy one. Since then he has been someone who stays in contact with me. I should mention that none of these relationship are of the romantic kind, just extremely kind people coming into my life at the right times. Mike's friend reminds me so much of Mike in how he talks. I am comforted by his messages even when they are not meant to be comforting. He also likes to challenge me a bit like Mike did. On multiple occasions his responses to my messages requires me to google a word or a phrase.... that's lawyers for you.... Recently he ended our conversation with vaya con Dios. Of course I had to google it..... it means go with God, btw. But the rest of the entire night that song was in my head.... as it probably is in yours now..... if it isnt'.... google it, it will be.
Back to music.... today... which is technically yesterday since I woke up in the middle of the night so it still feels like yesterday..... 3 different times today these particular songs came into my day. I have had a little more of a challenge to stay happy the past few days. Today/yesterday, I was driving around going nowhere and I had my phone on shuffle and Singer Ryan's song came on. Then later in the day when I was out driving around again (this time with a purpose) Adios and Vaya Con Dios started playing on the radio... it isn't a current song and it wasn't an oldies station. I should mention here that Mike's friend often encourages me to keep in touch with my emotions, to not try to shove them down but to let them out. Even though both of these songs had brought me back to a memory associated with Mike and these supportive men, it wasn't until I was at dinner that it all culminated to me crying in public .... which is something I don't do.
There is a song that many people have sung, but Leonard Cohen's live version was Mike's favorite.... Dance Me to the End of Love. Mike was tearful when that song was playing and as I am wiping his tears he mouths the words "You". He was telling me that this song made him think of me. So tonight as I am sitting at the Refectory expecting to enjoy a wonderful night of music and great food..... they play this song. I couldn't eat another bite, I just sat there and cried. I cried because all day long I think Mike was trying to get my attention with music until I finally heard him.
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