My birthday is coming up. I'll be 48 years old. I'm not secretive about my age. It still sounds so weird to say out loud though. I've been saying I am 48 for most of this year just so that I get used to it. For the past few years, Adam has been taking me out to lunch on my birthday. Except last year when he moved to South Carolina, darn him. (I kid) Mike and I didn't do much for each other for birthdays except to make sure that we only say nice things to one another for the entire day. :)
Last year Mike was a little more attentive and mushy because he knew that I missed Adam a bunch. So now this year will be my first year in 5 years without Mike sending me messages. Actually, it was last year for my birthday when he sent me one of his favorite books, Watership Down. When I opened the email from him when I woke up and saw that he had sent me a book I went in and gave him a kiss in his sleep. Then I read the synopsis of the book and found out that it was about rabbits.... as told by rabbits. The next time I saw him awake I think he had an idea what my reaction was going to be because he was smiling before I even said anything. He typed out for me that it was one of the few books in his life that he had read over and over. I was already reading a couple of books so I didn't start it right away. One of the books I was reading was Game of Thrones per Mike's suggestion. One of the things we enjoyed doing together was talking about books. Typing was getting harder for him so for me to tell him what I read the day before and what I thought might be happening next was easy for him to enjoy. I could ask him yes or no questions about the book he recommended and it kept us connected with something fun. When he was in the hospital, I would often read books out loud to him. We both liked it. At home he usually had audiobooks.com to make the books come a little more alive than my voice. :) Especially with GOTh, he had to explain to me something about the first book when I kept confusing the characters. And when I kept asking how to pronounce words. I hadn't been watching the TV series so I didn't have any idea how to say most of the names.... except ones like Jon Snow.... those were easy. I was reading Watership Down when he went into the hospital that last time. After his cardiac arrest, it was a book that I read out loud to him hoping that he could understand something. I was still trying to come to terms with him being gone mentally and reading the book out loud was a good activity for my mind so I didn't have a mental breakdown. I was glad that I knew what the book meant to him before he died, but I also wish I would have finished it with him. I was conflicted after he died regarding that book. Part of me felt that as soon as I finished the book that part of us would be over, so I didn't want to finish.
So this year will be without Adam (South Carolina) and without Mike. My poor girls will be stuck with me smothering them with kisses all day. :) I have plans to take myself to dinner. I'm going to the Refectory for their Jazz Dinner evening. It's something I go to about once a month. I'm sure I'll probably go to the cemetery too. I find that I leave there feeling better than when I arrive. I need to start bringing a blanket or something, those bugs start freaking me out while sitting on the grass.
I'm very grateful that I am still alive and healthy and able bodied so that I can enjoy another birthday with people I love.
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