I am always very aware that August is coming soon. August is the month he died. I think I will be better once that One Year mark comes and goes. I am doing pretty good now though. The nightmares have stopped. I have started dating some. I haven't felt any guilt driven need to go to the cemetery. I am maintaining healthy relationships with people who loved him too.
I still can't stand the thought of changing my relationship status on facebook.... silly.... I know.
I was reminded this weekend that my CPR was soon to expire. I need this to be a nurse. Luckily there are online classes that I can take and just print out my proof. One of the nurses for my girls went on vacation last week so I've been covering the hours. I love being able to spend all this one on one time with them. But, being home to care for them meant that I needed to get this course taken online and quickly. I sat down with my computer where they could see me and put a video in for them to watch and got started. It was a 5 hours course. After about 1/3 the way into the videos, I noticed that my mouth was really dry and that I had this all too familiar anxious feeling. I couldn't really spend any time figuring out what was causing this because I really needed to focus on the course. I figured that maybe having a deadline was making me anxious.
Then I came to the section on Agonal Breathing..... agonal breathing.... the ineffective breathing that looks like a mouth gulping. Mike would do that every time he was getting septic. He wouldn't know he was doing it until I put a mirror in front of him. He closed his eyes and agreed to go to the hospital. I was always surprised that even with being diagnosed respiratory failure that this neurological response still happened. I let my mind wander a bit to seeing him doing the agonal breathing. My panic got worse. Then I came to the section where the cardiac part of CPR was being explained and it hit me hard...... I started reliving all of it.... everything that was said and done and how he looked and even the clock on the wall in the room. All of it.
My tears made it difficult to continue. I stepped away for a minute. I stood in the kitchen and tried to just think my way out of my emotional state. That usually works for me. I realized that this reaction wasn't sadness..... it wasn't premeditated. I didn't think.... I have to do this and I know it's going to be hard to not think of Mike. It hit me totally out of the blue. I kind of think that that is a good thing.
I finished the course. I even passed. In a really weird way, it kind of felt good to know that his death still has a hold on me. Even typing that I know it isn't exactly healthy.... but it's the truth. But at the same time it kind of felt good that the sadness was no longer anticipated, it was a surprise. I think that's a good thing.
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