Well here it is, one year. He was pronounced dead by the physician on the 29th which is today, but it was on a Sunday, like yesterday. So all day Sunday I kept remembering things like deciding to go home to be with my girls for awhile. Like seeing Father Dean's number show up on my phone. He had never called me before. I was afraid he was calling to tell me that Mike had passed away, but he was calling to tell me I still had a chance to keep my promise to Mike but it would need to be soon. I remember waiting for a nurse to come to the house so I can leave. Trying to make it up to the hospital before he died. Walking in to his hospital room where I had spent the past week watching his body just slowly decay only to find him under a warming blanket and looking almost normal (the had the blanket covering him except his face). But also seeing who all was in the room. There was Barb, of course, having been named as family representative. There was Steve and his girlfriend, I was so angry with Steve for not having called me himself. And then the woman and her child who I had never laid eyes on before in 5 years. I still don't know who she is.
I went straight up to his bed and moved the blanket aside and put my gloved hand under his. He loved holding my hand that way. He said people were always touching him but I was the only one to put my hand under his so he could touch me. I could hear them all talking in the room... the nervous laughter.... the "this is how Mike would have wanted it"..... bullshit.... it was all bullshit. I wanted to just throat punch her to restore the quiet. I knew how much Mike had come to despise her for writing that horrible letter to him telling him he was going to "take the guilt of not having a good relationship with his mother before she died, to his grave". That was the last straw for Mike. And you all probably know him, you know.... it takes a lot for him to write people off.... he wrote her off. And here she is. Steve walked to the other side of Mike's bed looking at me after most everyone had went outside to smoke. I pleaded with him with my eyes more than words, asking him to take her out of the room. I had tears streaking my face looking at him just saying "please" and he only said that he couldn't. So I blocked them all out. I blocked out everything except Mike. I could tell by the monitor that his heart was almost done. I heard the nurse ask the respiratory therapist about shutting down his ventilator. I heard the respiratory therapist say that she can't until the physician pronounces him dead. I heard the nurse then tell the rest of them that the doctor would be in to talk to them soon. Barb, in her perpetual state of cluelessness took it upon herself to repeat what the nurse had said to them, to me. Again... the urge to throat punch was almost too much to ignore. But I refocused myself on Mike.
I know I wrote this somewhere but I don't know if it was in these blogs. Mike's fear of dying alone was a big one with living in the nursing home. We had a morbid sense of humor about things sometimes. I told him that I promise I will hold your hand until your last breathe. He grinned and said "you missed that one". We laughed and I tried again "I will hold your hand until your heart no longer beats". So standing there for the hour blocking them out and replaying that promise in my mind..... I laughed. How inappropriate is that?? It was just so absurd.... the circumstances surrounding him as I kept my promise...... I know he was already gone long before his heart stopped so I was picturing him having a bird's eye view on the whole scene. He would have laughed with me.
Mary "little old lady Mary" had called and asked if I would take her to the cemetery for his one year death anniversary. Of course, I am glad to be spending time with her and remembering Mike together this way. But I am becoming more and more certain that he really is around me all the time. Part of me wanted to think that way because there is a huge amount of comfort in that thought. The logic side of me says of course you want to think that way... there is a huge amount of comfort in your theory. I've finally managed to silence the "logic" side of me. He is still with me. He will always be with me. Going to the cemetery just isn't what I need to do anymore, but I'll be there with Mary in about 9 hours.
Sunday, August 28, 2016
Sunday, August 7, 2016
Mike's 30th reunion from Newark Catholic
I had the pleasure of meeting more of Mike's friends this weekend. Mike had a friend from his Newark days who has been very kind to me even when Mike was still alive. Funny story.... I had posted (begged) on Facebook for anyone to come help me with Mike, nothing too difficult just holding him while he was on his side so that I could safely change his bed linens and give him a bath. I had added that if they didn't want to see him naked, then they probably wouldn't want to volunteer. Mike's friend sends me this message saying "there was a time when I would have LOVED to see Mike naked"..... she made me laugh. I walked into Mike's room and read it to him and he just did his normal innocent grin.
Back to present time.... this friend of his saw the pictures I had posted on Facebook from my trip to The Hill School to Mike's 30th reunion and mentioned that I should come to his 30th from Newark Catholic too, so I asked the guy putting it together and he kindly added me at no charge.
When I arrived, I kind of just stood outside the building for a good long time... I wasn't going to know anyone there. No one. I'm not shy and I do go most places alone, but this was different. I was walking into a room of people who knew my Mike from when he was young. I figured that they probably knew his family well, maybe even still kept in contact with them, and knowing that his family didn't like me I was apprehensive about meeting any bad feelings towards me. Luckily, that wasn't the case. They may have had a notion of not liking me but they didn't act that way towards me.
I stood off to the side by myself for awhile just watching people. They had set up a table and had some pictures of Mike and a lit candle. The flood of emotion that hit me for Mike's reunion at Hill wasn't present this time. I smiled when I saw the display, but I didn't feel the need to cry. The first person to talk to me was this friendly woman who was there as a spouse. I didn't quite know how to introduce myself.... I'm with Mike Vollmer... but he died. I'm Ann Francis, Mike Vollmer's girlfriend..... I'm a spouse too... kind of....
I don't even remember what I came up with. When she knew my connection to the event she excitedly told her husband. Thank goodness I had someone who knew I was coming and had a story to tell me right away about how he knew Mike. It was an athletic one... of course. LOL Soon I had a lot of people coming up to me saying "Hi Ann, I'm ________". Since I am used to being by myself it was weird for people I haven't met before to know my name. I think I may have even said a couple times "how do you know who I am?".
The friend who had mentioned the reunion to me showed up a little later and she greeted me with the most wonderful hug. Even though I didn't know her either..... I kind of had some connection.
I had to limit the alcohol since I would be driving another hour back home that night, but everyone else kept drinking which made the evening even more interesting. LOL
I heard of some of the things that happened at their house in Newark.... the mustang, the bronco, the parties, the pool, the senior party, the barn..... and the gerbil..... The gerbil... that had to be the funniest story I ever heard of Mike. I may not remember it correctly but it was something like this........ Mike was always a messy big guy who always had a shirt half tucked in, ink stains on the pocket... that kind of thing. The desks they used were the kind with the stool connected to a table that lifted to store your books. His friend said she saw the desk always moving around and the lid to the desk always kind of jumping. She figured that this was Mike's doing because he was such a big guy he didn't fit too comfortably in this arrangement. He was getting in trouble for chewing pens and pencils... I guess he never seemed to have a functioning writing utensil. One of the teachers was reprimanding him for chewing on a pen and that's when it was discovered that Mike had been keeping a GERBIL in his desk.....a GERBIL..... wth?? I about choked on my beer when she told me this story. And I could picture it. The look that he gave me all the time when he didn't feel the need to explain himself further was the same one I pictured him giving this teacher.
It was really nice hearing stories about his home life and how many people have such wonderful memories with his whole family.
In a way I feel sometimes like I'm still in a relationship with Mike, but I'm living it backwards now. Today I have cried some just thinking about how I wish I would have been able to experience all these positive interaction WITH him. Today more than most, I want more. More time with him. I want a do-over so I could add what I know of him now to how I loved him.
Back to present time.... this friend of his saw the pictures I had posted on Facebook from my trip to The Hill School to Mike's 30th reunion and mentioned that I should come to his 30th from Newark Catholic too, so I asked the guy putting it together and he kindly added me at no charge.
When I arrived, I kind of just stood outside the building for a good long time... I wasn't going to know anyone there. No one. I'm not shy and I do go most places alone, but this was different. I was walking into a room of people who knew my Mike from when he was young. I figured that they probably knew his family well, maybe even still kept in contact with them, and knowing that his family didn't like me I was apprehensive about meeting any bad feelings towards me. Luckily, that wasn't the case. They may have had a notion of not liking me but they didn't act that way towards me.
I stood off to the side by myself for awhile just watching people. They had set up a table and had some pictures of Mike and a lit candle. The flood of emotion that hit me for Mike's reunion at Hill wasn't present this time. I smiled when I saw the display, but I didn't feel the need to cry. The first person to talk to me was this friendly woman who was there as a spouse. I didn't quite know how to introduce myself.... I'm with Mike Vollmer... but he died. I'm Ann Francis, Mike Vollmer's girlfriend..... I'm a spouse too... kind of....
I don't even remember what I came up with. When she knew my connection to the event she excitedly told her husband. Thank goodness I had someone who knew I was coming and had a story to tell me right away about how he knew Mike. It was an athletic one... of course. LOL Soon I had a lot of people coming up to me saying "Hi Ann, I'm ________". Since I am used to being by myself it was weird for people I haven't met before to know my name. I think I may have even said a couple times "how do you know who I am?".
The friend who had mentioned the reunion to me showed up a little later and she greeted me with the most wonderful hug. Even though I didn't know her either..... I kind of had some connection.
I had to limit the alcohol since I would be driving another hour back home that night, but everyone else kept drinking which made the evening even more interesting. LOL
I heard of some of the things that happened at their house in Newark.... the mustang, the bronco, the parties, the pool, the senior party, the barn..... and the gerbil..... The gerbil... that had to be the funniest story I ever heard of Mike. I may not remember it correctly but it was something like this........ Mike was always a messy big guy who always had a shirt half tucked in, ink stains on the pocket... that kind of thing. The desks they used were the kind with the stool connected to a table that lifted to store your books. His friend said she saw the desk always moving around and the lid to the desk always kind of jumping. She figured that this was Mike's doing because he was such a big guy he didn't fit too comfortably in this arrangement. He was getting in trouble for chewing pens and pencils... I guess he never seemed to have a functioning writing utensil. One of the teachers was reprimanding him for chewing on a pen and that's when it was discovered that Mike had been keeping a GERBIL in his desk.....a GERBIL..... wth?? I about choked on my beer when she told me this story. And I could picture it. The look that he gave me all the time when he didn't feel the need to explain himself further was the same one I pictured him giving this teacher.
It was really nice hearing stories about his home life and how many people have such wonderful memories with his whole family.
In a way I feel sometimes like I'm still in a relationship with Mike, but I'm living it backwards now. Today I have cried some just thinking about how I wish I would have been able to experience all these positive interaction WITH him. Today more than most, I want more. More time with him. I want a do-over so I could add what I know of him now to how I loved him.
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