A few months back when I was put in contact with Bob from the Harvard Varsity Club he said "hey, if you ever want to go to a Harvard game let me know". I wanted to go to the Harvard vs Yale game since that is the game I heard about from Mike's friends on how Mike sacked the quarterback for the win back in .... probably 1990. I almost picked a different game to go to since I was afraid of traveling with the possibility of snow but a friend, Bill, called me a chicken, so I booked my flight. I was able to get the nursing all arranged and my flight and hotel booked and luckily there wasn't any snow anywhere!
My girls were healthy but in true Taylor fashion she was close to having a seizure the day before I was to leave. Fortunately, she didn't have one and I was able to get a little bit of sleep.
I had a friend available to drop me off at the airport. Even though I don't travel by plane often, I am somewhat familiar with what is now called the John Glenn airport here in Columbus, Ohio.
On the first flight over to Boston I was sitting next to a young man who was probably in high school, we exchanged greetings and he pointed to his mother across the isle. I offered to switch seats but she didn't take me up on that (maybe she didn't like the aisle). Once we were up in the air, I was all settled to read my kindle when I looked over at him retrieving his paperback book from his pack. I smiled at seeing someone his age with an actual book. I smiled even bigger when I saw what book he was reading..... you might remember me mentioning this book before..... he was reading one of Mike's favorite books! The same book he bought for me for my birthday, the same book that he told me was on a short list for books he has read multiple times, the same book I was reading to him the last week before he died (I was trying to keep something familiar around him since I figured there was significant brain damage having been 30 minutes without much oxygen)... the book was Watership Down. I told the kid that that book was my boyfriends favorite book and that I had just read it myself about a year ago. He smiled broadly and said that his dad gave it to him to read. He then told me where he was in the book and what his favorite part so far was...... he gave this all voluntarily, I hadn't asked him. It was a lovely way to start my adventure.
Once at the hotel in Boston I foolishly ignored the advice of the information desk and decided to walk to the Hilton. It was foolish because it was about 1.5 miles in a very confusing trek through multiple terminals. I was confused and hungry and in need of a restroom by the time I finally made it to the hotel. Luckily I had checked in through the app and had the digital key all ready to go.
I wasn't there long before I needed to find my way to the Harvard campus and try to meet up with Bob or at least the will call before the hockey game started. The valet at the hotel recommended the subway (which they call the "T"), he circled the stops that I would need to make it to Harvard Square. The hotel shuttled me over to where I would pick up the subway and from there I just started reading signs. I had NEVER taken a subway or bus anywhere since middle school school bus. I bought my Charlie Card, I found the first train.... I found the second train.... I found the third train (on my second try) (I didn't know that you needed to know the final destination of that train in order to get on the right one). I got off the last train at the Harvard stop and looked around for an exit. I found it by just walking forward.... nothing more than luck. Now I'm standing in Harvard Square but I still don't know where the hockey stadium was. Google maps didn't help.... it kept saying "head east towards JFK street".... which was not at all helpful since it was dark so I didn't know east from west and I didn't know where JFK was. I found someone willing to help me even though they didn't know either. They at least knew that the athletic complex was "over the river" so they walked with me to the bridge. Ok..... now I'm closer. I see an archway that says Gate 1 and figured I'd start there. There really isn't too many people around so finding someone to ask wasn't going to work so I just kept walking since I couldn't think of a better idea. Remember it gets dark early so I am walking in a parking lot towards building with no lights and no people. I found a building that said Dillon Field House and that sounded familiar so I went up the steps and there...... there was Bob. I pulled up his facebook page to make sure it looked enough like him to approach with a "Bob?". What are my chances of finding the one man that I needed to find without any address, any communication, any directions and having traveled a good distance. Crazy.
He had my tickets to the hockey game and to the football game for me at will call so I walked that direction. I was about an hour early for the hockey game and that area for some reason just sucked the life out of my phone battery. If I lost my phone, I lost everything. I found an outlet next to the door to the ladies restroom. I spent the next hour tethered to the wall outlet and opening the bathroom door to ladies.
The hockey game was a good game. The pace of the college level game was easier for me than the pro teams, that was helpful. So now comes the challenge of getting back to the hotel. I asked the people working there how to get an uber and they didn't know. I asked a security guard how to get an uber and he didn't know. I am losing battery on my phone now and I've wandered around for about an hour in the dark, cold, hungry, low battery, clueless.... having talked to the uber driver only to have him cancel my ride because he said he couldn't get to the hockey stadium... and I was telling him that I couldn't find a road and that I didn't know where I was. I was running out of options. I called a friend to hear a familiar voice because the isolation was kicking in. He cares, so his end of the conversation were all solution statements, all of which I had already tried, so I just hung up because I was just getting more frustrated. Finally I found a young guy and asked "hey, where do you pick up an uber?".... and as simple as can be he says "up here, it's where I'm going". Ahhhhhhh.... finally I had a little help. When I got to where he was continuing and I was staying he said that it should only take them about 15 minutes and that he could stay with me if I wanted. I thanked him for his help, sent him on his way and waited on the uber.
This was my first time using the uber app and even thought I managed the app and the request, there was still the issue of recognizing the car..... I only really know car, van, truck... and then colors. LOL They gave the plate number but they don't know what you look like so it isn't like they pull right up to you close enough to read the plate number so reading the plates in the dark and drizzling rain was a challenge.
On to the next day... the day of the tailgating and the game, I took an uber to the game but there was so much traffic that the uber driver suggested I go ahead and get out so I'm not paying to sit in traffic (that was kind of him). I am now walking the same path I did the night before but this time during the day and I was part of a hourd of people going the same place. I found the tailgating but there were probably 6 different sections and multiple tents in each one and even though I knew of 2 people who were going to be there, I didn't know where "there" was. I figured the older the alumni, the closer to the stadium, so I started walking toward the stadium. And just guess who I saw right away.... Bob... the guy that I needed to see the night before. He offered to take me around and introduce me to people but being in his position he was easily distracted and had wandered off without me. It was then when I saw another familiar face, Bill, with his kids. I walked with them for awhile and found the 90s tent. I stayed there and just wandered around with a jack and coke while he and his family went exploring. It wasn't too much longer when another familiar face showed up, John, with his family. I followed them into the stadium so I would have a better idea of where my seat was.
This is where I might be sound like I am stepping on some toes here and I don't mean to be, but again, this is my blog where I can write what I experience through my eyes.
Before going on this trip I had a few people lined up to go with me or meet me there and I had people available to join me for dinner or drinks here and there and for whatever reasons.... none of that happened. I am used to being alone and I usually prefer being alone, but this time..... this time it left me feeling very vulnerable and in a heightened state of confusion the entire time.
Bob had told me the day before the game that they were surprising someone with another grant from Mike's Fund and they would let them know the next day (being game day). I had wanted to meet the family in person after having exchanged emails with the wife of the recipient but it never happened.
The first time I saw them was when they were taken out to the field by Bob and a camera to be awarded the grant.
Try to put yourself in my mind for just a second, after all.... you've made it this far...... I am sitting in the stands of where I would have been to watch the love of my life play football during his healthy days and without any warning I look up and see on the big board his name.
I see the family going out to the field, I hear a voice talking about my Mike..... the man I loved and cared for for over 4 years without much help at all..... his name was right there and another man with the same diagnosis was on the field (with his wife and children) receiving money raised and awarded with Mike's name as the Fund. I felt instantly like I did when I read on Facebook of when Mike's funeral was to be held. I felt stripped of any association to the man I loved and cared for when no one else would. I dedicated my life to caring for him along with my kids because of the love that I had for him and the life that he deserved wasn't the one he was forced to live.
Can any of you imagine what that feels like? Your wife, husband.... whatever.... and you are in the stands caught unaware.....
Not only had I spent the last couple of days alone and lonely and lost.... it now culminated to sitting in the stands as a bystander to the memory of Mike's life. And ended with me taking the subway back to the hotel in tears with all kinds of emotions racing through my head. It's a wonder I made it back.
I know none of this changes who I know I was to Mike and who he was to me, but it felt very disrespectful. Would it have been different if we had been married.... probably? Can anyone marry someone when they need services from the State.... not easily... you are no longer eligible for the services you need. Would Mike's mother have been treated that way if she were still alive... nope.
I was so glad to be home. So grateful for my friend to not just pick me up at the airport but come in to the terminal and greet me with a hug, and get my bags for me, and open my door for me, and get me coffee, and carry my stuff back into the house.... I was just sooooooo grateful for not having to think anymore. Not having to be alone even for just a short ride home. And to find my girls healthy and happy and with huge smiles on their faces to greet me.
