It's been over 3 years now since Mike has died. The piercing pain isn't as bad but the daily thoughts are still there, thank goodness. Trying to date a man while you still wish another man were alive is a weird place to be. I find myself talking about Mike more... to the new guy.... which isn't good. I mean it isn't like a secret or anything. And of course, the right guy will understand and blah blah blah. But let me introduce myself, I'm a 50 year old grieving woman with 2 daughters who will need my constant attention for the rest of our lives. How does that sound? It sounds like I should be a lot hotter to pull all that off.
I have met some really nice men. I have considered a couple of them as a possible long term kind of guy, but as it turns out... I was the only one thinking that way. It's a bit disappointing when I run through everything in my mind and finally decide to give "this one" a chance only to discover they didn't want a chance. There was one who had lost his wife to cancer not long before I met him. I never met his kids... actually I didn't meet anyone. Odd how I didn't really notice it for about a year. We had a good time together, we had a lot in common. He was odd in the ways I liked. Then without warning....nothing..... nothing at all. No return text, call, letter or email. Short of going up to his front door, I put a good effort in to contacting him. A guy I had dated for over a year, albeit in our own little bubble just wrote me off. I've read articles where all these new terms are being thrown around in the dating world. Ghosting... that's what happened to me. But is it still ghosting if it has been over an entire year? I feel like it needs a new name.
I've tried a couple of others. This latest one was interested and would even message me in the morning, that's always the sweetest thing to me... a guy who let's me know he thinks of me when he wakes up. But then a month later.... he doesn't even respond to a text asking if he wants to come by for dinner. The next time we talk I try to balance between being nice and being pissed that he couldn't even be enough of a grown ass man to say "no thank you".
After all of these disappointments I reflect back to how things were with Mike. It is natural to remember mostly the good things, but he could also be an ass at times. Keeping that in mind, I try to make excuses for these other men.... he just needs to decompress.... he is a nice man just doesn't realize he didn't say thank you..... on and on and on....
It isn't like I'm in a big hurry to get married or have someone living with me... hell, I don't even think I could spit out the word boyfriend without cringing. But I do like being in some kind of a relationship. I would just prefer to be in one with someone with the emotional maturity to be kind in all ways.
Obviously this is more of a venting post this time. But it is also where I am in my life after Mike. I want my life with Mike back.
Thursday, December 13, 2018
Tuesday, October 30, 2018
The Grand Hotel trip came to be
Mike always encouraged me to take little trips, to expand our world a bit. His world went from being a gregarious and physical man, to confined to a bed and trying to stay connected to the world with a computer. My trips were my way of bringing the world to him through me. He looked forward to hearing of my adventures and I was more brave than I am naturally just so that I could see his face with hearing my stories.
I'm still doing these trips, even after 3 years since his passing. I still follow up my trips with going to the cemetery and telling him all about them. I can picture his face while I'm telling my stories to the wind.
The Grand Hotel had been on my radar for years and this past week was the perfect timing. I had to cancel and reschedule the trip a few times due to the girl's health and the nursing schedules. By the time I rescheduled it this last time, it was cold and rainy. But as my son said.... Mom, it was on your list to go. Having a good time is optional..... he makes me smile.
Getting there was a nice 7 hour drive with my amazon music on shuffle and trying to concentrate on the road in front of me when my eyes kept diverting to the pretty trees. I found the dock and made it to a ferry all with perfect timing. I had never taken a ferry like that before, it was too cold and rainy to stay on top so I had to go below to the seating inside. I quickly did a headcount and positioned myself near the life preservers and the exit.... just in case.... I'm brave because I'm neurotic at times. :)
My attraction to this hotel came from the movie Somewhere In Time. It is just one of those movies that stayed with me, just like Out Of Africa. I figured getting to Michigan would be a lot easier than getting to Africa, but one of these days....
When I went to the care facility to meet Mike for the first time, I walked into his room and said "You have Richard Collier's room". That he knew my obscure reference and smiled broadly at our common interest was one of the reasons I knew he was just my type. I was reminded of that memory while I was sitting in the Grand Hotel talking to a delightful man who was asking me why I was at the Hotel. Just polite conversation between strangers and yet I found myself telling him that story. I don't usually talk about Mike to strangers because I can't get used to the thought of him being dead and telling people that he is dead is still so strange to me.
The weather and the short amount of time I had there kept me inside the hotel. It truly is a grand hotel. Oh... an extra bonus.... I walked down the steps and saw so many people dressed in period costume! I was there during the Somewhere In Time weekend! I had no clue when I scheduled that that would be going on. The women looked so beautiful with all the lace and ribbons and hats and the men with their top hats. I should have felt out of place in my comfortable travel clothes that I tried to dress up slightly but still fit in my backpack, but I didn't. Every person in that room smiled back at me. Many couples brought me in to their conversations. It was such an enchanting environment.
I would like to go back to the island when the weather is warmer and drier so that I can wander around the island and explore the history there.
It was my last trip planned for 2018 and I am now planning on some of the other trips that Mike and I had talked about. He's always with me even though some of my memories of us are fading a bit, blending more and more into just one big picture.
I'm still doing these trips, even after 3 years since his passing. I still follow up my trips with going to the cemetery and telling him all about them. I can picture his face while I'm telling my stories to the wind.
The Grand Hotel had been on my radar for years and this past week was the perfect timing. I had to cancel and reschedule the trip a few times due to the girl's health and the nursing schedules. By the time I rescheduled it this last time, it was cold and rainy. But as my son said.... Mom, it was on your list to go. Having a good time is optional..... he makes me smile.
Getting there was a nice 7 hour drive with my amazon music on shuffle and trying to concentrate on the road in front of me when my eyes kept diverting to the pretty trees. I found the dock and made it to a ferry all with perfect timing. I had never taken a ferry like that before, it was too cold and rainy to stay on top so I had to go below to the seating inside. I quickly did a headcount and positioned myself near the life preservers and the exit.... just in case.... I'm brave because I'm neurotic at times. :)
My attraction to this hotel came from the movie Somewhere In Time. It is just one of those movies that stayed with me, just like Out Of Africa. I figured getting to Michigan would be a lot easier than getting to Africa, but one of these days....
When I went to the care facility to meet Mike for the first time, I walked into his room and said "You have Richard Collier's room". That he knew my obscure reference and smiled broadly at our common interest was one of the reasons I knew he was just my type. I was reminded of that memory while I was sitting in the Grand Hotel talking to a delightful man who was asking me why I was at the Hotel. Just polite conversation between strangers and yet I found myself telling him that story. I don't usually talk about Mike to strangers because I can't get used to the thought of him being dead and telling people that he is dead is still so strange to me.
The weather and the short amount of time I had there kept me inside the hotel. It truly is a grand hotel. Oh... an extra bonus.... I walked down the steps and saw so many people dressed in period costume! I was there during the Somewhere In Time weekend! I had no clue when I scheduled that that would be going on. The women looked so beautiful with all the lace and ribbons and hats and the men with their top hats. I should have felt out of place in my comfortable travel clothes that I tried to dress up slightly but still fit in my backpack, but I didn't. Every person in that room smiled back at me. Many couples brought me in to their conversations. It was such an enchanting environment.
I would like to go back to the island when the weather is warmer and drier so that I can wander around the island and explore the history there.
It was my last trip planned for 2018 and I am now planning on some of the other trips that Mike and I had talked about. He's always with me even though some of my memories of us are fading a bit, blending more and more into just one big picture.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)