It's been over 3 years now since Mike has died. The piercing pain isn't as bad but the daily thoughts are still there, thank goodness. Trying to date a man while you still wish another man were alive is a weird place to be. I find myself talking about Mike more... to the new guy.... which isn't good. I mean it isn't like a secret or anything. And of course, the right guy will understand and blah blah blah. But let me introduce myself, I'm a 50 year old grieving woman with 2 daughters who will need my constant attention for the rest of our lives. How does that sound? It sounds like I should be a lot hotter to pull all that off.
I have met some really nice men. I have considered a couple of them as a possible long term kind of guy, but as it turns out... I was the only one thinking that way. It's a bit disappointing when I run through everything in my mind and finally decide to give "this one" a chance only to discover they didn't want a chance. There was one who had lost his wife to cancer not long before I met him. I never met his kids... actually I didn't meet anyone. Odd how I didn't really notice it for about a year. We had a good time together, we had a lot in common. He was odd in the ways I liked. Then without warning....nothing..... nothing at all. No return text, call, letter or email. Short of going up to his front door, I put a good effort in to contacting him. A guy I had dated for over a year, albeit in our own little bubble just wrote me off. I've read articles where all these new terms are being thrown around in the dating world. Ghosting... that's what happened to me. But is it still ghosting if it has been over an entire year? I feel like it needs a new name.
I've tried a couple of others. This latest one was interested and would even message me in the morning, that's always the sweetest thing to me... a guy who let's me know he thinks of me when he wakes up. But then a month later.... he doesn't even respond to a text asking if he wants to come by for dinner. The next time we talk I try to balance between being nice and being pissed that he couldn't even be enough of a grown ass man to say "no thank you".
After all of these disappointments I reflect back to how things were with Mike. It is natural to remember mostly the good things, but he could also be an ass at times. Keeping that in mind, I try to make excuses for these other men.... he just needs to decompress.... he is a nice man just doesn't realize he didn't say thank you..... on and on and on....
It isn't like I'm in a big hurry to get married or have someone living with me... hell, I don't even think I could spit out the word boyfriend without cringing. But I do like being in some kind of a relationship. I would just prefer to be in one with someone with the emotional maturity to be kind in all ways.
Obviously this is more of a venting post this time. But it is also where I am in my life after Mike. I want my life with Mike back.
